Looking for the “Reset” button
There is a term in Chinese (Cantonese) called “jup-cheuk”. I can’t think of a proper translation right now…something akin to hanging onto something too much or overly obsessing about details. In any case, I feel that is my problem. I need closure. I hate being left hanging.
Of course, that is not to say I have not abandoned projects before. I am too aware of the number of them. They eat at me. I remember I used to think of them calling me from the corner of my room where I used to leave them (literally and figuratively) pending. I always got everything done eventually. And when the pile was cleared, I felt so liberated and relieved. But there were always new items/ideas to add to the pile and to my anxiety. Then one day, I couldn’t finish one project, then another, and another. There wasn’t the time. It was not a priority. And so, the pile got bigger and the gravity or whatever force that pulled me to that corner became heavier…until now, I feel like I’ve really weighed myself down.
Perhaps this is the reason why I feel so stuck? And my muse, fed up with my slothness, decided to take a hiatus. Or maybe she’s buried under that pile.
I don’t know if there is any point to trying to attack that pile now although there is a crazy part of me that still considers it. I know I need to learn to let go. I know not everything can be finished. Not every question posed can or will be answered. Somehow I need to continue moving forward…if only to look for a “reset” button.